


I Hate Grocery Shopping

by PursuitOfDiscovery



Series: Two Hundred and Twenty One Baker Streets [12]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - How I Met Your Mother Fusion, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Parentlock, Sherlock AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-01-28
Packaged: 2018-03-09 11:59:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3248849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PursuitOfDiscovery/pseuds/PursuitOfDiscovery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Hamish and Eugenia hear about their father's antics.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Hate Grocery Shopping

“Daddy, tell us another one! A real one, the time when you and papa were…dating?” Hamish scrunched his nose, looking towards his twin sister for help.

Eugenia replied, thoughtful. “Yes daddy, tell us something funny. Ooh, when papa was in one of his good moods.”

Sherlock scowled, “I’m always in a good mood.”

Hamish smirked, “Of course, papa. Whatever you say.”

“Well, you better settle in with a mug of hot chocolate. This one’s going to be a long one.” John chuckled at the pointed glares Sherlock was sending his way.

“The first time, I had decided, would definitely be an experience worth telling my children. Somehow during the first few months of sharing flats, we settled into a routine. Mind you, it was a very inconvenient and strange one, but it worked for us. These ranged from Sherlock learning very quickly that no, it was _not okay_ to wake me at three in the morning to joyfully inform me that the toes in the mug on top of the fridge had reached the putrefaction stage.” Hamish burst out laughing at this. “I also finally caved under the powerful forces of hunger and yes, hygiene, and realised that if I wanted to eat and remain clean, I had to do the shopping.

I had long given up on Sherlock and groceries; your papa would never remember to buy bread and milk until he died of malnutrition and as for his toiletries, the git had them ordered online and delivered.” Eugenia turned to look at Sherlock, her eyebrows raised. “I know. Unbelievable. But one unfortunate, I asked Sherlock Holmes to go grocery shopping…”

***

“Sherlock? I have to go down to the surgery. Could you _please_ get some food? Edible food?” John slipped on his jacket, turning to see if Sherlock had heard him.

“Isn’t there anything in the fridge?” Sherlock frowned.

“Yes, there is a severed head sitting where the meat should have gone.”

“Well, _technically_ , a head-”

“Is not a meat, Sherlock. Now, go.”

Sherlock went without a question, which actually made John question his decision making skills. What if John came home to a kitchen filled with cereal boxes? No, he decided, it wouldn’t do to panic and he was sure that Sherlock was quite capable of grocery shopping. Plus, he must have done this before meeting John so it was alright, he reassured himself.

***

Sherlock? JW

_Yes, John? SH_

Have you got the shopping? JW

_No exactly. SH_

Why not? JW

You know what, I don’t care, just go and do it, I don’t need you sulking and demolishing the apartment. JW

_Fine. SH_

_Cream of tomato or minestrone? SH_

What? JW

_Soup. Which type? SH_

Oh. I don’t really mind just choose whatever you’d rather have. JW

Anyway I’ll probably end up forcing you to eat it, no matter what it is. JW

_Right. SH_

_Do we need ‘Farley’s rusks’? SH_

No, Sherlock those are for babies. JW

_Why are there so many choices of bread? SH_

_Stop laughing. SH_

How…? Never mind. Just get Hovis. JW

_Brown, white, seeded, best of both, half loaf or rolls? SH_

Sherlock. JW

Just get whatever you want. JW

_I don’t know what I want. SH_

You really haven’t gone shopping before, have you? JW

_Doesn’t matter. SH_

Surely you can watch other people and get what they get? Do a little deducing. JW

_I did. That’s why I asked you about the Farley’s rusks. SH_

Right. JW

You’re using your credit card, yeah? JW

_You still have mine. SH_

Oh yeah, sorry. JW

How are you going to pay for the shopping then? JW

_With your credit card. SH_

SHERLOCK NO, STOP STEALING MY CARD. JW

_Oh, would you like me to leave the shopping here, get a cab to halfway across London and disturb you from your work just to retrieve my card? SH_

No. JW

Fine you can use my card. But just this once. Do not make this into a habit, do you hear me? JW

_I can’t hear you but I can read. SH_

Don’t be so pedantic. JW

_Don’t be illogical. SH_

_***_

Are you still shopping? JW

_Yes. SH_

I’m never asking you again. JW

Long queue? JW

_No, I’m trying to choose milk that hasn’t burst. SH_

Please be done by the time I’m out of the surgery, ok? JW

***

How’s the shopping coming along? JW

_It would be much faster if you didn’t keep checking up on me every five minutes. SH_

I’m just checking. You haven’t bought acid instead of cheese? You haven’t told someone that their marriage is failing? You haven’t gone and injured yourself? JW

_Can you buy acid at supermarkets? SH_

No. JW

_There’s a woman whose marriage is failing. Cheating husband. Divorce would upset her two daughters. Funny, she’s worried about her husband finding out about her affair. SH_

_I could put her and her husband out of their misery. SH_

Do. Not. Tell. Her. Anything. JW

_Where’s the medicine aisle? SH_

Sherlock! You can’t buy acid at a supermarket. JW

_I can tell when you’re lying, even when you’re texting. SH_

_Can one use things and pay for them afterwards in supermarkets? SH_

I think so… Why? JW

_I think it’s probably better that I use a roll of toilet paper and pay for it later than bleed all over their floors. SH_

Oh. God. JW

_Nose bleed. SH_

Stop texting and fix yourself up. JW

_Two rolls of toilet paper and no broken bones. SH_

Congratulations. Now will you please finish the shopping? JW

_If you sigh like that, your patient will think you are bored and probably become embarrassed. SH_

_Or think that you are sexting and will most definitely become embarrassed. SH_

Piss off. JW

***

“And that, my dear children, was the first and last time I ever got Sherlock to do the grocery shopping.” John spread his hands out, glancing at Sherlock to make sure he’s heard the jibe.

At that, both Hamish and Genie looked at their papa.

And started giggling.

“I hate you all,” Sherlock muttered.

“We love you too!” Genie shouted back.

“Yeah, me too,” Hamish laughed.

John kissed them both on their foreheads before tucking them in.

“You didn’t _have_ to tell them that story you know.” Sherlock was still glaring, the adorable git.

“I’ll stop telling them embarrassing stories about you once you learn how to tell them stories of your own. And no funny shit. No “There was once a murderer” or “There was this psychopath I once knew”. But actual, proper stories.” John reprimanded.

“It’s not my fault you seem to consider half of my stories to be inappropriate. They’re six, almost seven now. Surely they can handle it.” Sherlock frowned. “I was four when I first started…”

“Yes we all know, you stupid git.” John chuckled. “You started deducing as soon as you were born, I bet you harassed the nurse or something, told her that her boyfriend was cheating on her or something.”

“Jerk.”

“Bitch.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Characters don't belong to me; they're BBC's works of fiction.  
> This is my first attempt at fan fiction; do not hesitate to comment/criticise.


End file.
